Controllables

ombreMan, this week is doing a number on me.  Fo realz.

Today will be the fifth day I’m in the dentist’s chair this month.  That’s five times too many for me.  But, at this point, I can’t control that.  I STILL haven’t heard about my law school application.  Can’t control that either.  Roll with it, Jessi, roll with it. (subconscious: “buticant. wahh.” brain: “get your shit together, yes you can.”)

Last night I had a melt down about an appointment I have coming on Monday.  I’m so thankful my mom is going to be in Wisconsin.  She doesn’t know it (yet), but I’m going to beg and plead with her to come with me.  iwantmymommy.  Without boring you all with too many details, 2011 was a rough year for my baby-making necessities. About a month ago another potential issue was found and Monday is the day I return to see if my body has gotten its act together and fixed itself.  The small possibility that it hasn’t sent me into a tailspin last night which left me sobbing and going to bed not speaking to Craig.  Emotionally unstable?  I think so.  Scared out of my mind?  Definitely.

Craig keeps telling me not to worry about things because there is nothing I can do until Monday.  And if something is wrong, there might not be anything I can do after Monday.  CONTROL THE CONTROLLABLES is essentially what he is telling me.  Unfortunately, last night I was too caught up in my own self-pity to take that to heart.

This morning I have some new perspective. I have far too many other things going on in my life right now that are good and positive.  I can’t allow my fear of the unknown to take away from all of those good things.  I need to start taking one day at a time.  Start dwelling on happy things, not the things that scare me out of my brain.

Craig is right.  Don’t tell him I said that, though.  I hate when that happens.  And I don’t want him getting used to it.

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